dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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