Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
