Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
