I am in a vortex of obligation.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
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