Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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