Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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