we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
