So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
