That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
