The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
