so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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