god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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