I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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