I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
