i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
