Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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