The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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