I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
