Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
