You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
