someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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