She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
