The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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