he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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