How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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