I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
