I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
