Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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