last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
