Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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