If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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