You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
