I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
