It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize