I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Randomize
