ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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