Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
