Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
