Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
