she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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