So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
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