ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
