Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
