I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
