Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
