I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
