Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
