The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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