I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
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