i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
