What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
We named our party play list daddy issues
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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