so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
