dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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