saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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