The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
